Rakshana, the doberman

I like to identify myself as being a kind and empathetic person, yet one day
I found myself beating the c%#p out of my tethered and muzzled doberman.

From Akshara to Rakshana
Did my ex-husband, Akshara, reincarnate as my doberman, Rakshana?
by Anuttama dasi

Some months later, Rakshana, a handsome, red doberman with floppy ears and an uncropped tail bounded up to meet our guest, Maitreya Prabhu. “Meet Akshara, my ex-husband”, I told Maitreya. He scoffed, “that’s crazy, devotees don’t become dogs.”

He’s right, of course: our spiritual master and Krsna have assured us that if we take to the path of devotional service, we’re guaranteed at least a human body so that we can continue making progress.

“One who could not finish this yoga system of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, he gets his life again as a human being in very rich family or in a very pure family. So at least human body is guaranteed, even one fails to complete the Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Because he gets another chance. To get birth in a rich family means he has no economic problem. He can completely engage himself to understand what is God.”  Lecture on Bhagavad Gita, Stockholm, 1973

However in the Srimad Bhagavatam, we do find a few examples of where devotees have had to take animal bodies. The obvious example is Maharaja Bharata being born as a deer. There is also King Nrga who took birth as a lizard and Lord Indra temporarily inhabited a pig body. I’ve noticed in these cases of devotees taking animal bodies is that the experience is just a short detour to them again regaining a human or demigod body. While these examples demonstrate that it is possible that Akshara reincarnated as my dog, it is the synchronicities that lead me to strongly suspect this to be so.

A synchronicity is defined as “the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.” In other words, a synchronicity is a meaningful coincidence. My whole life, I’ve taken notice of these synchronicities and have come to accept that they occur when Krsna is trying, either to teach me something, remind me of His presence or to guide me. For instance, as a teenager I set out to learn the purpose of life, hitch hiking south. Along the way I had number of mystical experiences and synchronicities that led me to Krsna. I had happened to visit the zoo in San Diego and was given a BTG magazine. I read that magazine cover to cover and was very impressed with the philosophy presented. When, a short while later, I found myself talking to a born-again Christian, I told him that the philosophy in the BTG made more sense than his understanding of Christianity. He looked at the magazine and scoffed, “those people! I met them in the airport and somehow gave them $5.00 and they gave me a book that is still in my trunk. You can have it.” That is how I got a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita. A short time later I was picked up by a semi-truck that already had another passenger, a devotee. When I showed the devotee my Bhagavad-Gita and told him that I accepted the philosophy, he told me to go to a temple, and I did. As a result of this series of synchronicities, I ended up being one of the most fortunate people on Earth as an initiated disciple of Srila Prabhupada. These mystical coincidences that have occurred throughout my life have helped me to develop faith in my relationship with Krsna and have helped me to become more conscious of Him and more loving towards Him.

I was only 19 when I married Akshara. He was the temple president and I was the main collector for the temple. When our Zonal Acarya heard (true) rumors about our involvement, he ordered an immediate wedding and fire sacrifice. I made a vow before the fire to share my life with Akshara and to serve him faithfully. Akshara promised to share his life with me and to protect me.

Unfortunately it didn’t take long for me to realize that I’d made a big mistake. Akshara, a German national, regarded me as his property and started pocketing a good portion of my collections. One day after spending 10 hours on my feet at the airport, stopping strangers by pinning carnations on their lapel and asking for donations for a worthy cause, I confronted Akshara, asking if he was pocketing the money rather than adding it to the temple funds. He had bought me an extravagant diamond ring and we were planning a trip to Germany to visit his parents. I suspected that the money was coming from my collections and asked him if my suspicions were correct. Akshara was furious. He started telling me how much everyone hated me told me how his German friends thought I was so scrawny that they’d kick me out of bed. Being 19 and quite immature, I was devastated that my husband considered me to be worthless, unlikable and ugly. But I still didn’t want to be collecting money for sense gratification when I was telling people that it was for charity. When I stood up to him, in spite of his verbal effort to kill my spirit, Akshara swung his fist, hitting me square in the face, and blood immediately started spewing all over my clothes. He only hit me once, that time, because the blood apparently alarmed him.

When the gash on my face stopped bleeding, I developed an ugly black eye, and I looked a mess, physically and emotionally devastated. Akshara insisted that I stay in a cheap hotel and not go to the temple until the black eye and cut faded to the point that they could be covered with makeup. At that time, in 1978, there was no one in ISKCON that I could confide in. I stayed with him because I’d made commitment at a fire sacrifice and because I was beginning to believe that I really was a useless, unlikable and ugly person.

When we went to Germany, staying at the Schloss, we got into another argument while we were in the dilapidated car he’d bought. I don’t remember the gist of the dispute, but he seemed to calm down and surprisingly stopped at a gardening supply store. Shortly he emerged with a bamboo stick, which I though was odd. I guess I was a little clueless because when he parked at a remote forested area and told me to get out, I didn’t see what was coming. He grabbed me by the hand, pulled off my lower clothes and started beating me with the bamboo stick with such anger that I was genuinely afraid for my life. I screamed and screamed, but we were in a isolated spot and no one came to my rescue. Finally he stopped and let my hand free. I just lay on the cold, damp ground, crying and feeling the agonizing sting of the blows. Although I got back into the car, I vowed to leave him.

I was staying in the brahmacarini ashram, so I went there and examined my ugly bruises in the large mirror in the bathroom. I stuffed my few belongings into a bag and then, when I was sure that he was nowhere near the entrance to the temple, I left, taking my few belongings with me. As soon as I reached the road, I stuck out my thumb and was almost immediately picked up by a kind German gentleman in an older BMW. I hadn’t really developed a plan for getting back to the States and I didn’t have any money at all. I was vaguely thinking about going to the American consulate and asking for help, but was reluctant to discuss what I considered to be a very embarrassing predicament. The sweet German gentleman dropped be off close to Frankfort and I sat on a bench, thinking about what I’d do. Some time later, when I looked up, there was Akshara. I have no idea how he found me. He didn’t apologize, but he seemed contrite and I hadn’t been able to formulate a realistic plan of escape, so I didn’t leave him at that time.

After getting back to the States, I did make an effort to talk to some ISKCON “authorities” about my ugly situation, but none would see me, probably not wanting to meddle in husband/wife affairs. Several times I tried to escape, but each time interesting synchronicities would keep us together. One time I was waiting to board a plane and somehow Akshara had found out where I was and dragged me out of the airport. I went with him quietly because I didn’t want to make a scene and because it seemed almost as if I had some karmic obligation to endure the abuse. However eventually I ended up moving to Miami by myself about a year after we married. Akshara obtained a divorce by mail.

Fast forward about 30 years and I get an e-mail from Akshara, in which he states that his life is useless unless I forgive him. I replied that I consider an apology to be empty unless it is accompanied by an offer to do what is necessary to right the misdeed. I’d heard that he’d become a multi-millionaire through some scam involving Rolex watches in Hong Kong. He had several condos in Monaco, where he lived and apparently frequently traveled to European temples where he’d give class. Since I was developing a simple living, high thinking project in an effort to help fulfill the second half of Srila Prabhupada’s mission, I figured a nice donation towards the effort would soften my heart enough to forgive him. However he never responded, or made any attempt to right his wrongs. And his e-mail never contained the words “I’m sorry.” So I consciously withheld any forgiveness towards him.

Some years later we needed a dog for our project. In our area there are numerous deer and the easiest reliable and affordable way to keep deer from destroying a garden is to have a dog. Additionally having a dog behind closed gates helps with security and I like to take a dog with me when I go on my daily japa walk through bear infested forests. Our dog, Ruger was getting older and we’d had some unfortunate experiences with trainee replacement dogs. Otto, a pit mix stray that turned up, mauled our sheep, so we found her a new home. Then Gita, a beautiful Marema was given to us, but she had a strong tendency to find a way out of the fence and roam. We spent a lot of unnecessary time and money working on fencing solutions to keep her home. Additionally she’d occasionally kill a chicken (we kept them for insect control) and when I came home to find Margret Scratcher beheaded and her poor brood of chicks scattered and peeping forlornly, we decided to rehome Gita. Because of our bad experiences with the intended replacement dogs, we decided to get a doberman. I’d had a doberman, Panzer, when we lived in Hawaii and he had an ideal temperament for our situation. Panzer was quite special and left his body while I was playing a recording of Srila Prabhupada saying, “…even a dog can take part in the chanting.” After doing some research into the breed, it seemed likely that a doberman puppy would grow into a dog that could keep deer away from the garden, be a watch dog and protect me from bear, cougar and bad people when I went for my daily japa walk by the lake or in the woods.

I responded to an online ad for a 4 month old red doberman puppy with uncropped ears and tail. The owner said that the puppy was amazingly smart, but had too much energy for their home in the city. On the ride home with our new puppy, we discovered that he had a serious undeclared flaw: horrible, horrible flatulence. We were able to solve the flatulence problem by feeding our puppy in such a way that he was unable to bolt his food, but we became increasingly dismayed by his character. He was extremely fearful, accompanying me on my daily walk with his hackles, the hairs on the top of his back mostly raised, indicating that he was frightened. He’d bark constantly when left outside and exhibited extreme arrogant defiance. I resorted to using an e-collar, set on low voltage to get him comply with basic commands. He was so intelligent that he’d quickly understand what I was telling him, but if he didn’t want to comply, he’d ignore me unless I could motivate him with the e-collar.

Our puppy came with the name Odin, but because he was so arrogant, we wanted him to have a name that was more servile. We finally settled on the name Raksa, after the wolf in the Jungle Book, then changed it to Rakshana because the noun seemed more appropriate than the verb. Raksa means protect in Sanskrit and Rakshana means protector. It is a name that we hope he’ll live up to.

The major beating occurred when Rakshana was about one year old I was out on a japa walk with the dogs. Rakshana ignored my command to stay behind me. I called him over and he came and sat when I told him, but he refused to lay down, growling and showing his teeth to punctuate his defiance. I stood over him, demanding submission, but he just kept growling to the point that I became concerned that he might actually bite me. The only thing I had to control him was a nylon leash, so I looped it around his jaws and tied it behind his head and forcefully demanded that he lie down. He went ballistic, lunging at me and trying to bite, although he was unable to do so because of the makeshift muzzle. I was unable to beat him at that time because the only thing I had with me was my walking stick and if I hit him with that I’d likely break bones and could possibly kill him. However somehow I was able to get him to lie down by being extremely forceful with my voice and body language. When we got home, I knew that we had to get past this extreme defiance, so I told Rakshana to lie down, and again he snarled and refused. At that point my husband and I agreed that it was an extreme situation that called for a harsh response.

I first securely tied his muzzle shut with a strap then I tied him to a handrail in the garage. I then ordered him to “lie down”. Again he went ballistic, lunging at me, growling and obviously trying to bite. I took my horse whip (usually used to guide oxen with gentle taps) and laid into him with everything I had. I beat the c$%p out of him and he finally, very reluctantly laid down and submitted when ordered. I even invented a new command, “grovel!” that I now give him if I want him down, on his side in complete submission.

After that episode, Rakshana did become more submissive to me, but my husband and I were still disappointed in the dog’s poor character and basic uselessness for our project. We couldn’t leave him out at night to keep the deer away because he’d just constantly bark. We had to keep him locked in the garage. We couldn’t count on him to protect me because he was so fearful.

Then one day, fairly recently, I was at our neighbor, Padmagarbha Prabhu’s and Padmagarbha happen to mention that he’d heard that Akshara had left his body several years earlier. At the time I didn’t have any strong feelings about Akshara’s departure because he was not a part of my life and I rarely gave him a thought. I was slightly sorry that we hadn’t amicably resolved the issues between us, but it this lack of resolution seemed insignificant to me.

I didn’t really give it another thought until a couple of days later when I looked into Rakshana’s eyes and saw Akshara. Suddenly it made sense: Krsna had arranged a synchronicity in which Akshara had to experience going from an arrogant multi-millionaire who drove fancy car and wore designer clothes, able to buy anything he desired and lauded at temples to being a poop-eating, butt-smelling dog that lives in a garage, lying on filthy blankets who has to submit to a lowly woman. I had to suffer the inconvenience of having a useless dog and am getting a slow, torturous lesson about forgiveness and my own humility. I called Padmagarbha Prabhu to get more details about when Akshara left his body and he did indeed leave his body a couple of months before Rakshana was born. The gestation for a dog is two months.

As the reality of this situation was beginning to sink in, I noted some synchronicities. The name Akshara and Rakshana are very similar sounding. Rakshana is a German breed of dog and Akshara was a German national. Akshara beat me with a bamboo stick, while I beat Rakshana with a horse whip. Akshara made a vow to protect me and I vowed to serve him. Well, I’m serving him all right, picking up his piles and bringing him bowls of kibble. He may not be protecting me but he does have the opportunity to do so. He is certainly sharing his life with me.

The big lesson in this is regarding my humility and my arrogance in being unwilling to forgive Akshara for beating me. Lord Caitanya states:

tṛṇād api sunīcena / taror api sahiṣṇunā
amāninā mānadena / kīrtanīyaḥ sadā hariḥ

3) One should chant the holy name of the Lord in a humble state of mind, thinking oneself lower than the straw in the street; one should be more tolerant than a tree, devoid of all sense of false prestige, and should be ready to offer all respect to others. In such a state of mind one can chant the holy name of the Lord constantly.

While my materialistic conditioning supports believing that serious offenses do not require automatic forgiveness, we have the example in Srila Prabhupada’s books of Haridas Thakur being beaten in twenty two market places. Haridas didn’t take offense for the beating, but actually worried about the welfare of the beaters.

I can see that Krsna wants me to take this lesson to heart, especially because the failure to develop humility will result in not being able to continuously appreciate Krsna’s presence. Of course I’m nowhere near the stage of being able to chant the Holy Name constantly, but I am getting lessons regarding the importance of having the right humble attitude while chanting so that Krsna will allow me to be attentive, to feel love for Him and to depend on Him as the Doer. My other big lesson in chanting is to appreciate Srila Prabhupada’s mercy, but that is another article.

This story is not over. Rakshana/Akshara is still envious of my husband to the point that he has bitten him several times, and regularly growls at him. I put him on Craigslist, but the (fairly) full disclosure included in the ad caused no one to call about him. And the big question remains: will Akshara forgive me for that trip to the vet when he had a minor surgical procedure?